Invading things such as your toaster or wallet....

Vaya... con Dios.

2011-05-05T04:36:00.001-06:00

My last Cinco de Mayo as a member of the armed services. Better make it count.

Pardon me, Miss. Your dddooggg is peeing on my churrrrrro.

2010-05-05T17:18:00.001-06:00

Happy Cinco de MuthaFlippin' Mayo!!

You say what?? Cinco de What what?

2009-05-05T14:25:00.001-06:00

Checkin in on the blogosphere for Cinco de Blogmo. It is today. We cheer and fight.

Cinco de de de de Mayoooooooooooo

2008-05-05T20:50:00.001-06:00

Yep! It's THAT time of year again.

Ring it in Ring it in!

Plátanos santos!

2007-05-05T08:09:00.000-06:00

Happy Cinco de Mayo 2007!

Cinco de Mayo...

2006-05-03T17:06:00.000-06:00

... it approacheseth!

2005-10-17T14:44:00.000-06:00

NANO NANO NANO WRIMO

Sir Nancelot

2005-10-11T11:09:00.000-06:00

    The crescent sun peeks its pointy head over Tarpolk Mountain while the small village of Keytune lay engulfed in the light and colors of dawn. The surrounding hills pierce the stagnant fog that fills the entire valley like the ancient Moosefish coming up for a kiss of the sunlight shining upon Lake Terothor.
    Our hero, Sir Nancelot, lay atop a grassy hill overlooking the cloudy village. Infant rays of sunlight glance across his powdered face and onto the dewy grass, immersing him in an aura of sparkling brilliance like he is a master in the old ways of Crystal Magic.
    As he lay, he hums an old Keytunic folk song and flaps his rigged arms and legs, clanking his full plate armor to the beat of the song.
    At his side sits a mighty dragon whose height is that of three men and whose wingspan stretches across the filled River of Arbantas. Its scales are colored like those of black flame, accented by glowing red claws and fiery wings.
    The dragon's name, as tatooed in black calligraphy into the leathery skin of its left wing, begins with the three letters M-O-G and ends, as tatooed into his right wing, with the three letters R-O-C. Mogroc is his name.
    "Mogroc!" Nancelot cries. "Look, Mogroc! I'm making a dew angel!"

I was just standing there and the guy posed on me!

2005-09-30T12:56:00.000-06:00

I changed the template of BLOG because of all the POSERS cramping up and hibernating all over my style.

And if it continues, the consequences will be ILLCONSEQUENTIAL.

I have not the will to departy - Part I

2005-09-29T19:07:00.000-06:00

My glory lay dark and aching as tortured fury repels my weakening attempts at salvaging what remains in the grasps of this taunting mistress.
The dim brilliance perforates her ancient and undying fingers and entices my will to struggle forward, pleading for my lethargic bones to follow.
I stumble blindly through smokey fields and across empty highways. Her piercing laughter becomes a distant song, but my eyes stay fixed on the sound as it saturates the starry sky.
The light she clutches can no longer be seen, but she cannot squelch its own treacherous chorus as it consumes me with a lyric of hope.

TAN DUMB

2005-09-20T12:22:00.000-06:00

I HAVE A BOLG I HAVE A BLO G I HAVE A LBOG AI HAVE A BOG I HAVE A BLLG I HAVE BLOG I HAVE BLOG I HAVE BLOG

I HAVE BLOG

True-ly abhorrent!

2005-07-21T21:17:00.000-06:00

I had a small discussion with my friend Joel about the promiscuity of the women in those ads for True.com.

You've all seen them. They claim to have a member base with over 60% women. And, apparently, they all wear nothing but bikinis and underwear.

I thought to myself, "What an applaudable marketing sheme." So, to support True and women all around the world, I made an advertisement for them, free of charge and sent it to them earlier today.

Fresh head for brain

2005-07-06T18:53:00.000-06:00

I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE

further the hedge clipper!

Ode to Phil

2005-07-05T16:32:00.000-06:00

This is raw, unadultered emotion in the form of magnetic poetry.

What.
What am I? I am not.
I am not your puppet to play these mindless puppet games.
Fear of failure racks my bittered soul and I weep.
I weep as a child. I weep as a child born in the wild.
So much weep when there is a lack of sleep.
So much sleep when there is a lack of weep.
This dire dance for speckled peace,
Will break the chains of athen's grease.
No more.

Take my answer as it lay

2005-06-07T16:42:00.000-06:00

Often times when I take a bite from a thick, juicy hamburger, when I pull it from my face a small strand of saliva streams from the sandwich to my lower lip and I have to wonder... Is that from my own mouth?

In Stinks

2005-05-27T12:53:00.000-06:00

I don't know about you guys, but when I see a standing clothing iron my first instinct is to touch it.

What I am thinking, now and at all times. A venture into my brain.

2005-05-23T14:27:00.000-06:00

Rap sucks
Emo sucks
Country sucks
Trilobites suck
Pop sucks
Avril rules
Hey, what's that?
Women are pretty
Especially that one
Who's there??
I've taken my time
The results are in quandary
How did I know that word?
I have no idea...
You've been cheating on me with that Webster fellow's brain, haven't you!
No, no I haven't.
Then how do you explain the grey matter on your collar?
I uh...
And leaving without notice or staying at the office later and later?
I've told you I have extra work because of the uh...
The what?
You know, that... account... thingy...
You're not getting off that easily. I'm not accepting the fart excuse this time.
You're over-reacting.
Oh, am I? I think, for the kidneys' sakes you'd better just pack your things and find a hotel.
Rice a roni is good
Where will I go from here?
Does the car need fixing?
Move right arm to the left
Move right arm to the right
I can't dance

Now, repeat that infinitely and welcome to my world.

Christian capitalism at its finest.

2005-02-11T14:42:00.000-07:00

This post is about an auction I was shown on eBay. Basically, what was being bid for was the desired prize of a family of 6, praying for you everyday for a year. And the minimum bid was set at $5000.

Allow me to list a few of the many things wrong with the auction.

#1 - It had a BID. I was initially annoyed with the auction itself, but then I saw that some plague of the human gene pool bid on it. So here I am, torn between ripping my eyeballs out or slicing my abdomen open, frying my insides and placing them on jellied toast, when I clicked on the bid history... HE or SHE BID TWICE. How many total bids had the auction received you ask? TWO.

Heck, I saw that and began praying for this person for free. Praying for the blessing of a better life. And by 'better' I mean shortened.

But I digress, I'm sure there really was a serious enough concern in this person's life that warranted a $5,000 double bid. My real beef is with the person who listed the auction. Let's move on.

#2 - The "contract" is for one year. Wow, a whole year. So, at the very moment the year is up, you stop praying for this person? Seems pretty heartless to me. Someone who is truly Christian would pray for anyone, for any amount of time based on their needs. Christ isn't bound by a $5,000 contract, we shouldn't be either.

#3 - The price tag. With 5 G's I could buy a motorcycle and pray I don't get decapitated by a low hanging branch. Or wait, I could blow it on a complete stranger, with an ingenious con on eBay. Certainly I would never consider asking my Christian friends and neighbors or, dare I say, my local minister or denominational authority. I'm sure none of them like my head as much as I do.

The day you start taking money for a contractual prayer agreement is the day you feel a little heat on the back of your legs and the rubber of your shoes begins to melt to the floor and the FIRES OF HELL ENGULF YOU.

#4 - The family. More specifically, those poor kids. I can imagine the looks on their faces when their mother gathered them around the kitchen table and told them they can finally afford to go to Disney World. They smile, giggle, clap and laugh. Then she utters the dreaded b-word... but. "BUT," she says, "We have to pray for Seymour Wilson's irregular bowel movements, everyday. For an entire year." Smiles turn to shock. Giggles to motionless gazes. The three year old pukes and wails. Wails a story of endless, Mickey Mouse-less, woes. The only shred of reason in the family lies in the six year old boy who turns the oven on and climbs inside.

But amidst the confusion, the mother kneels and prays for less trips to the can and healthy, free-moving stools.

fin

I don't have much else to say, other than praying for yourself, with sincerity, is more powerful than the entire planet praying for you for conditional reasons. I do not believe this auction was created out of love or anything near it. It was for social and economical gain and I hope they'll realize that some day before they die.

My life less g'stohl'n

2005-02-10T11:36:00.000-07:00

You see my past through simple frames,
This picket wall will never change
The joy, from morning, I receive
As midnight crumbs roll from my sleeve.

My foot lay wait above the ground
And darkened beams of light abound.
The treasure sweet will rest her head
And sing 'til all the queens are dead.

These spoiled cries and tattered spires
Will carve their words with willing fires.
The masses sound their pale revolt,
Their songs implore with stifling hope.

The armies clash in shattered streams,
Their helmets washed in crimson gleam,
She stands upon the petrous floor,
Her pride will raise their spirits poor.

On it rolls, the war, the battle,
Shedding souls, their goal unrattled.
Idols sound quick trumps of After,
Hope, alone, amidst the laughter.

And in the end their dreams are dying,
Pulling, tearing, pushing, trying,
Fighting for a flash of reason,
Sweet projects the end of season.

I wrote this.

2004-12-10T15:33:00.000-07:00

I started a short story yesterday and I finished it today.

Be warned, it contains somewhat detailed depictions of violence.

Here it is

A Victorious Defeat

2004-11-17T15:32:00.000-07:00

I calculated my odds of successfully horking the planet's supply of Christmas decorations and came to the conclusion that I would not be able to do so in the given time frame.

I decided my second best option would be to put a dent in the morale of corporate giant, Wal-mart.

Keeping up with my current theme, I went to my local Wal-mart and picked up a string of multi-colored Christmas lights. My evil plan was to over-pay for my lights and, get this, throw off their books! Thus causing managerial panic and mass lay-offs like nothing this company had ever seen! I took nine trips through the store and each time the checker caught the $20 bill placed discreetly between the two smaller bills. But on the tenth trip, the tenth trip, the doped up teenager took the money without counting and placed it into the drawer! I raised my fists in jubilation and walked from that building with a laugh of pride, a laugh... of victory. Thoughts of the ensuing corporate overhaul were more than enough to make my insides jump with joy.

I suffered a ruptured kidney and that is why I write to you from this broken hospital bed.

Broken hospital bed.

Time... we have so much little of it!

2004-11-08T13:10:00.000-07:00

In response to people putting up Christmas decorations in October, I've decided to steal all the Christmas decorations on the planet and fly them into the center of the sun with my rocket boots.

Scientists discover The Shire. Tolkien celebrates in grave.

2004-10-27T15:54:00.000-06:00

Hot off the press today there is a report coming out of Indonesia where Scientists have found the remains of the hobbits of middle earth, specifically the town of Hobbiton. Not only have they found the little Hobbits, but they have also found the remains of their pet mini-elliphants and a dragon, whom the scientists have warmly named, "Smitty."

One scientist says, "This is a great breakthrough for all those who love science and fantasy novels. Our pathetic dreams are finally coming true! I call Gandalf!" He then hopped away as if riding a horse with a hobbit skull clutched in his arm, screaming, "Don't you worry your buttons, little hobbit!"

Another one has stated, "Not only are we proving that man has been on the earth for hundreds of billions of years, but also that decomposing skull tastes like kippered steak."

Below are photos recovered from the scene:

A group of hobbit fellows, no doubt they had many a kegger together.

Here we find what these scientists theorize to be one mini-elliphant and "Smitty" on their daily romp through the park near Bag End.

J.R.R. Tolkien, whose supposed "fiction" novels have extensively mentioned hobbits such as these, has refused comment. Neighbors report maniacal laughter and sounds of the movie "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" coming from the Wolvercote Cemetery in Oxford, England.

Here is an artist's depiction of what may be the source of these strange noises.

There are now new questions raised by these findings, such as: How have the hobbits gone unnoticed for so long? What was the source of their demise? Why... WHY did Smitty have to DIE??

Tolkien...

I believe...

has the answers.